The Usenet Sports Programming Network presents: Exclusive Coverage of the Long Post Finals _ - () / \O ungh! /\ /| | ------/-|_ - / ) _________- | | | | 250K 500K 750K 1MB Brought to you by the PLO. We're with you all the way, Kent! [Cut to the "shot put" area of Spafford Stadium, where Marv Albert is standing with a microphone.] Marv: >This is Marv Albert and Bernard Shaw here at the Usenet Olympics-- >Bernie, why are you lying on the ground and covering your head? Bernie: [gets up] >Sorry, force of habit. Marv: >Anyhow, we're here at the Long Post finals, where the competition >is just about to begin. The first athlete is Eric S. Raymond, >from the alt.folklore.computers team! [Camera switches to Raymond, who is loosening up, then to a graphic with Raymond's vital statistics.] Bernie: >Alt.folklore.computers doesn't have a lot of athletes at this >level of competition, but they've got a sure medal winner here in >Eric S. Raymond. He's been flamed by sysadmins several times for >unusually large posts, and at one time proposed creating his own >newsgroup for the postings. Marv: >Raymond is stepping up into the circle now. Here comes the post: >It's version 3.4.5 of the Jargon File, over a megabyte in length! >The crowd's on its feet! Bernie: >You've got to admire his form, Marv. There just aren't too many >people who can post like that anymore. Marv: >Our next poster is Name Withheld by Request from alt.sex.pictures. >We don't seem to have a lot of information about him. Bernie: >No, but a.s.p has a long history of placing in this event, and >I'm sure they'll do well today. Marv: >It's 14 GIFs of a nude woman eating a banana! He takes the lead! > >Next up: The Usenet Oracle! [The sky is darkened, and a bolt of lightning blinds everyone for a brief moment. When the smoke clears, the Oracle is visible.] Oracle: >I shall now post the Ultimate Answer, which shall be infinite in >knowledge and wisdom and will surely win this feeble contest. Marv: >Get back up, Bernie. Here comes the Oracle's post: >Two bytes? That's it?! I don't believe this! Bernie: >Who's going to tell him he didn't win? Marv: >I don't know, but we're moving on to our last athlete: >Mike Brown (Vidiot) from rec.arts.startrek.info! [Switch to a graphic bio with Vidiot's stats.] Bernie: >Vidiot's one of the top athletes on the r.a.st team, and he almost >walked away with this event at the Badwill Games. Marv: >Here it comes... An Esperanto version of the Program Guide! >It's a new world record! The crowd's going wild! > >Well, that about wraps it up for the High Volume Post-- Wait! >We've just recieved word that Name Withheld has been disqualified >for failing the drug test prior to the event! Bernie: >Yes, it looks like Withheld's blood sample was flooded with >testosterone. A lucky break for the Usenet Oracle, who now moves >into third place behind Eric S. Raymond. Marv: >Yes, it's been another exciting day here at the Usenet Olympics! >We'll be back with more coverage, right after this. Don Pardo: >Coming up: USPN exclusive coverage of the 100-Line Flame! >Stay tuned! [to be continued...]