The Usenet Sports Programming Network presents: |-__-''. | /\ | |-__-''. | ( ) | | /\ | |-__-'' | ( ) | | |-__-''. Medal Ceremonies |-__-'' |//////| | . U . |//////| from the | -*- |-__-'' | | | 1991 Usenet Olympic Games U / \ | -*- ._________. | | | o / \ | 1 | -*- ._________' | | | | / \ | 2 '_________. | | | 3 | | | ------------------------------- Brought to you by Exxon. We like to see you wasting energy. [Fade to Arthur Kent (no relation to KPD) at Spafford Stadium.] Arthur: >Welcome back to USPN's exclusive coverage of the 1991 Usenet >Olympic Games, where we're about to witness the Controversial Post >medal presentation. Making the presentation is Clifford Stoll, >author of "The Cuckoo's Egg": [Cliff is standing in front of several microphones, and his words echo loudly across the stadium.] Cliff: >Our bronze medal winner in the Controversial Post is Kent Paul >Dolan, for his admission of guilt in the e-mail canvassing. [The crowd cheers and boos. Kent sticks out his tongue.] Cliff: >Our silver medal winner is Jim Griffith, for the "urgent appeal". [Jim accepts the medal in stoic silence. Half the crowd cheers wildly, waving little flags with the Federation logo on them; the other half boos soundly.] Cliff: >And our gold medal goes to Roger Noe, for the "additional appeal" >with a premarked 16-N ballot. [Roger jumps up and down as the crowd reacts, inadvertently (?) kicking Kent in the head.] Kent: >You did >that on >purpose! Roger: >Shut up. I'm accepting a medal. Kent: >We'll see >about that! [Three flags are slowly raised on the flagpoles behind the winners: Two with the Federation logo, the third with a salamander on a red background. The stadium PA system begins playing theme music from "Star Trek: The Next Generation."] Kent: >You think >you can >trifle with >ME, armadillo >breath? [Kent lunges for Roger, knocking them both off the platform. As they struggle on the field, fistfights erupt in the stands.] Arthur: >Not again! We've got a developing situation here... [The Death Star and V'ger materialize above the stadium, both warming up for a planet-destroying blast. Jim Griffith is still standing on the #2 spot, oblivious.] Arthur: >BRYANT! Bryant: >Sorry to interrupt, Arthur, but we're taking you now to the >Ma Bell Memorial Natatorium, where the Flame Diving competition is >in progress: The Usenet Sports Programming Network presents: ______________ \|/ | | Exclusive Coverage | \ / | | of the | -+- | O Flame Diving Finals | | | | | | | --|---------------------------------------------------------------- /|\ U Brought to you by First Alert smoke and fire detection systems. Brent Musberger: >We're here with Leanne Phillips, one of the finalists in this >flame diving competition. Leanne, you've been able to almost >completely avoid being flamed, in spite of the firestorm going on >all around you in news.groups. How have you accomplished this? Leanne: >Well, Brent, it's mainly a question of knowing which posters >not to respond to during a debate. There are some people who will >read your post with an open mind, and consider what you're saying, >and then there are others who'll just flame away at anything. Brent: >Thank you, Leanne, and good luck. Now approaching the platform >is Subrata Sincar, another one of our finalists: Subrata: >Post to groups: news.groups >Subject: Recalling the rec.arts.sf.* vote >(entering vi mode) >I think the whole thing should be shelved for six months, and >everyone given some time to cool down and come to their senses. Brent: >Oooh! The judges are pulling out blowtorches, flamethrowers, >even a cannon! It looks like Sincar will settle for the bronze. > >Back to you in the studios, Bryant. Bryant: >Stay tuned for more coverage as the 1991 Usenet Olympics continue. Don Pardo: >Coming up: The Guidelines Interpretation semi-finals! [stay tuned...]